Prepare to get laid asswhipes - Homemade tattoos

no.spam@gameriot.com (Yogurtgorilla) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:24:18 -0500

In my never ending quest to make you gamer ultra **** more badass I'm now passing on the wisdom of how to make homemade tattoos. Following the workout instructions in my last blog I'm now going to show you how to cover those new bulky broad shoulders and muscly biceps with body art. Because if there's anything that turns the e-****** heads as you walk by it's a sculpted body covered in ****ty looking Japaense phrases and tribal art.

Here's a list of the things you need to steal errr I mean buy:

-Some black india ink. You can find it at your local total crafts or buy it from the internet. Just get a jar the size of a golf ball with a big enough opening to stick 2 fingers in it (oh baby).

-Then get yourself a set of thread needles. Like the regular kind you use to sow clothes. Make sure the needles are in various sizes of thickness. You need like a dozen or so of them.

-Then get yourself some normal white thread like you use for sowing clothes.

-Buy a lighter or some kind of antiseptic liquid like you'd find in a first aid kit to sanitize the needles.

-You should also pick up a permanent black marker like a sharpie if you don't have some at home.

-Then grab some napkins or tissues to soak up the excess ink (and lots of blood...).

That's all you need. Shouldn't cost more than $10. Pretty cheap for making permanent tatoos. You also might want to pick up some cheap but strong booze if you're a *****.

Now here's what you want to do. First wash your hands and sanatize the needle with either a lighter or antiseptic liquid. Then wrap the white thread in a tight ball around the very tip of the needle. You should make a small ball of thread around the tip of the needle a little bit smaller than a pea. What size needle you choose if up to you. All my friends and I used huge ones that hurt like a *****. I recommend a medium sized one. You cover a larger area per stab which requires less skin penetrations.

Then dip the needle with the thread ball on it into the india ink. Then just stab away at your friend. Pretty simple. You want to push the needle deep into the skin which will inject the ink from the soaked thread ball into the wound. Then wipe away the excess ink and blood with the napkins and keep going.

Before you start you also want to draw the tattoo design on your friend with the sharpie marker and simply play follow the lines. Pick whatever design you want. I got "crazy white boy" in Japanese tatooed on the back of my right shoulder blade. Atleast I think that's what it means.

My friend and I agreed upon the design and then went about looking up how to spell it in our textbooks while we were taking our first year of Japaense when we were 15. So it might not be all that accurate. In fact it probably says something like "noodle times chickens" but oh well. It's the thought that counts.

Just remember that this HURTS like hell. If the idea of someone stabbing a needle into your back right now hundreds of times doesn't make you happy then don't do this. I also take zero responsibility for you getting aids. DON'T EVER USE THE SAME NEEDLE MORE THAN ONCE OR ON TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

And if you're wondering if I regret getting these homemade tattoos I don't. I can always get them covered up by larger professional tattoos if I wanted and in fact that's what I'm planning to do. I've always liked my tattoos and I haven't once regretted getting them because I think they look good and they remind me of my friends who have since moved off to other parts of the country to go to college. And they're ******* hilarious.

Get in shape gamer ****

no.spam@gameriot.com (Yogurtgorilla) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:18:47 -0500

I'm here to toughenÂ you up youÂ scrawny pimply assed ultra nerds and turn you into a ripped package of manÂ meat that will make the e-****** thighs quiverÂ at night. I'm sick and tiredÂ of seeing scrawny skeletal looking "e-athletes" every damn time IÂ seeÂ footage of professional gamers and wow nerds.

It makes me feel self-conscious about playing the same games and scared as **** that I'll look like that if I keep playing them. There's absolutely no ******* reason why you can't do simple as ****Â excercises inbetweenÂ watching pokemon and playing your undead rogue. It literally takes 30 minutes at most and the resultsÂ will beÂ huge if you follow these simple as **** instructions.

First off get yourself some adjustable dumbbells. I got some made by bowflex that go from 5 lbs to 55 lbsÂ a fewÂ years ago and they work great. I don't know if they still sell them anymore but just head to your local sports authority or other fitness stores or look around online for some. They cost a little bit of money so either ask your parents to buy you them or stop eating McDonalds for a week and buy some. They're great. They replace a whole dumbbell rack like you see at a gym but with only 2 ******* dumbbells. Make sure they go up to a decent weight like atleast 50 pounds. You can work out yourÂ entire body with them.

http://shop.ebay.com/items/_W0QQ_nkwZadjustableQ20dumbbellsQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZR40QQ_mdoZ

Or you can buy the old fashioned ones where it's basically 2 small bars with a grip in the middle and clamps or screws on each end. They also come with a decent amount of weight plates usually but you might have to buy more. It takes up more room but they're usually cheaper.

Also get yourself a bench. It doesn't have to be a high quality one. Most of them are dirt cheap and will do the job just fine. You don't even need a bar for it but if one comes with it great. And if it has a leg extension then that's great too. Just make sure it has an adjustable height so you can incline or decline it.

That's it as far as equipment goes. Shouldn't cost you more than about $200. If you can't afford it then just steal them and take your chances.

Another thing I highly recommend you get is supplements. They work really well and will give you much better results. The only 2 you'll need is a protein shake and a jug of creatine. They cost a lot but they're very effective. Take the protein shake right after you work out so it goes right to your body and maximizes muscle growth. Same thing with the creatine.

The stuff I use is the most popular brand called Nitro-tech. The creatine I use is from the same company called Cell-tech. It's expensive and costs about $50 a month. But you can get the generic stuff for half the price. GNC sells giant jugs of GNC labeled protein powder which works great. Pick your flavor. They all taste like **** but who cares. It isn't that bad. Just mix it in a glass with some skim milk and chug it down.

Their creatine is pretty cheap too. Get it in powder form and not in liquid form. Mix it in a glass ofÂ grape juiceÂ and chug it down (something in the grape juice increases its effects or some ****). Creatine is a tasteless powder but the stuff I use actually tastes like grape soda and is delicous.

Now I know a lot of you guys have probably heard bad things about creatine but none of it is true. I've been taking it for years and nothing has happened to me or anyone else. It isn't a gimmick bull****Â magic drug either. This is one of the only supplements that actually does work like advertised and gives a huge boost to pro-athletes. It increases the endurance of your muscles and makes them physically much larger. Most studies show about a 15-20% increase in muscle size. It works by injecting your cells with water or some **** so make sure you drink plenty of water throughout the day for maximum effect. Drinking lots of water is healthy for you anyway.

If you aren't into taking the creatine or protein shakes fine. But it will decrease your muscle gain so it's up to you.

Now the fun part. Here's the simple excercises that really work. Seperate your workout days by focusing on a particular part of your body. If you workout the same part of your body day after day without giving it a chance to recooperare and grow you're going to severely limit your growth. Your muscles need a few days to heal repair and grow so you need to alternate your workouts.

For day 1 do chest workouts. Day 2 do your shoulders. Day 3 do your back. DayÂ 4 do your biceps and triceps. DayÂ 5 do your legs. DayÂ 6 do your abs and other parts of your body you want to work on like your thrusting strength or some ****. Chicks really dig teh thrusting. Then takeÂ 2 daysÂ off and start all over again.Â That's it. It takes less than 30 minutes each day and after 2-3 months I guarantee you'll see very noticable results. All of the sudden you'll stop looking like a scawny flat chested ***** and will start jacking off to seeing yourself in the mirror.

You wanna do 3-5 sets of 8-10 reps for every workout except your abs. I do 4 sets.Â And for the retards a rep is where you lift the weight up and then let it back down 1 time. A set is doing that 8-10 times. You wanna do as much weight as your muscles can handle after 8-10 reps. If you've done 10 reps of an excercise and you can still do more reps then you don't have enough weight on.

It's very helpful to have a spotter who can use his pinky to help you do that last rep and it's good for safety reasons. But since we're only using dumbbells you don't really need a spotter for safety concerns. Find a friend and drag him into getting in shape with you. That's what all of my friends did and it's a lot of fun lifting with your buddies. Turn on someÂ metal music and talk the **** with each other. And the surprise buttsecks isÂ always a bonus.

But if you don't wanna use a spotter that's fine. You don't really need one. It just makes lifting a lot more fun and slightly more effective. Either way will work. When I made the transition from highschool to college I started lifting a lot more in the mornings to get it over with and I did it without a spotter usually.

As for the workouts hereÂ we go.

Chest:

-Regular benchÂ press. Just lay down on the bench flat and push the dumbbells up and down with your hands a couple inches outside your shoulders.

-Inclined bench press. Same thing as regular bench press. You just incline the bench.

-Declined bench press. Same as above except decline the bench.

-Butterflies. This time you lift your arms while layingÂ flatÂ on theÂ benchÂ like you're wrapping your arms around a tree. You can do inclined and declined versions of those if you want. But it's not really necessary.

That's pretty much it for chest. You can do other stuff if you want but that covers the basics.

Shoulders:

-Lift the dumbbells up from your sides kind of like you're doing a jumping jack motion. Bring the dumbells just above shoulder height and repeat.

-Lift the dumbells just like the previous excercise but this time raise them out in front of you.

-Incline your bench and lay on it stomach first. ThenÂ lift the dumbbells out and up to grow the back of the shoulders.

-Rest the dumbells on your shoulders and then push up like you're lfting upÂ a sackÂ above your head.

-Pull the dumbells up to your chin straight up from your waist and then bring them back down to your hips.

That's pretty much it.

Back:

-Bend over until your back is halfway parallel to the ground. Then pull the dumbbells up. Keep your knees somewhat bent and always look up.

-Lean forward on your bench with one knee and one hand on the bench. Then pull the weight up to your shoulder. You have to do each side for 1 set.

-Bring your dumbbells up to your shoulders and keep them there. Then bend over like you're preparing to get raped in the shower. Then stand back up. Keep your knees slightly bent and always look up or you'll screw up your spine.

-Put a crap ton of weight on the dumbbells and then just hold them to your side with your arms straight. Then shrug your shoulders up.

That should be good enough for your back. Overhand pullups help a lot but most people can't do them in my experience.

Biceps and Triceps:

-Bicep curls. Lift your forearm up with your palms facing upwards andÂ keep your elbows pinned to your sides.

-Hammer curls. Same thing as above except keep your palms facing in towards your body soÂ it looks like you're pounding nails into a board with your dumbbell. This is a favorite of mine. They make your biceps look nice and long whichÂ the girlys reallyÂ like.

If your bench came with a weird looking wedge attachment that's for hooking up over your leg attachment. You lay your armsÂ over it while sitting on your bench to really isolate your biceps and it works really well. Another one of my favorites. If you don't have it oh well.

-For triceps lean forward and bend your arm behind youÂ so the part of your arm above the elbow is almost parallel with the floor. Then raise the bottom half of your arm up to be parallelÂ with the rest of the arm to the floor.

-Lay down on your bench with your arms extended straight above you. Then bend the part of the arm belowÂ the elbow and closest to the handÂ back until your forearm is parallel to the floor while the top part of your arm remains completely staight and still.

You can also do some diamond pushups if you want or even bodyÂ dips with 2 chairs or a counter edge. For diamond pushups bring your hands very close together and make a diamond with your thumbs and index fingers. For bodyÂ dips simply place both your hands on sturdy objects on either side of you and then dip your body up and down without your feet touching the floor.

Legs:

-Lunges. Grab your dumbells and hold them to your side with your arms straight. Then extend one leg forward and kneel down like you're proposing to marry some chick. Then lift yourself back up using that thigh by either taking a step forward with the other leg or returning your forward steppingÂ foot back to where it started depending on how much space you have to work with. You can also do the same thing on the stairs by walking up 2 steps at a time by skipping a step and simply walking up the stairs with your dumbbells.

-Calve raises. Just hold your dumbbells to your side with your arms straight and your feet flat on the floor.Â Then stand up on your tippy toes. Works better if you can put your toes on anÂ elevated object like 2 textbooks or something.

-Squats. Great for sports. They make you run faster. Jump higher. And hitÂ harder like in football or hockey. They also make your ass look nice andÂ firm for gay dudes and the ladies. Simply hold your dumbbells to your sides with your arms straight and lower your ass down like you're taking a **** and then stand straight up again. You should keep going down until your thighs become parallel with the floor. Lean forward slightly but keep your back straight at all times. Your knees should remain as still as possible and not shoot out in front of you every time you dip. Concentrate on liftingÂ with your heels and not your toes.

If you have leg attachments that should be pretty self-explanatory. Buy some cheap weight plates for them.

Abs:

-Just do a crap ton of regular situps. Then do some from different angles where you lean from one side or the other. Also do leg lifts where you lay down and lift your legs off the ground a couple feet while keeping your legs straight.

And there you go. You can now play wow 6 hours a day without looking like you play wow 6 hours a day. I'll add pictures later to the workouts to make it more clear how you're supposed to do them. Just a warning that you'll be sore as **** after your workouts in the beginning. You'll literallyÂ feel like you got run over by a truck. But it's good pain you'll get used to and be proud of itÂ as weird asÂ that sounds.

Like I said this **** is EASY. JUST ******* DO IT. NO EXCUSES. Do the ******* workouts. Stop what you're doing right now. Go buy the dumbbells and a bench. GO.Â And make sure you eat lots of protein.
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Prepare to get laid asswhipes - Homemade tattoos

Get in shape gamer ****