Blog Posts from "Hayden and Zac's Cuddle Shack" - Gameriot.com

Pyrilus' New Movie + Interview

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:10:56 -0400

Pyrilus sucks donkey dick, I was gonna' do the editing myself if my dad didn't land himself in the hospital. Do you know what it's like having to fill out your father's medical history for him, because the black nurse refuses to speak to him since he called her a "******* orangutang", and having to sheepishly mention the packets of eXtenze you saw on his counter the last time you were at his house?

Overall Score: 15/15. Editing doesn't count for ****, baddies. 100% AWESOME.

There you have it. Watch it on vent with your buddies, it'll probably be the closest thing to going to the movies with friends you nerds will ever get to.

ZAC OUT

Top 4 Litreocola Movies

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:46:01 -0500

Hey, Gameriot!

Recently, my homie Litreocola created some mo'****in art, but apparently my blog linking it was, y'know, empty and contentless, nothing at all like the random bull**** that is allowed to stay up because let's face it, 90% of what's posted on this site is from Slapnuts or World of Ming now, you know this portal's floundering, gotta' let something slide, right, I mean, it's not like the moderation here has effectively created a Blogging 4chan by sinking to the level of the trolls and embracing it under some faux laissez-faire approach because let's be honest, encouraging and sustaining quality content would be just too ******* difficult.

Anyway, I'll play the game because my boy deserves tons of views and ****, so I present to you now - the top 4 Litreocola movies. I know how much this site loves uninspired lists. And drama. So to sustain that, I might get to go to MLG ohio for free, and if I do, I promise to give a Dr. Pepper girl my AIDS or some ****. ANYWAY.

#4

Litreocola 1: there is no link because this movie was never actually released; I think litre decided it sucked and took it down. Objectively, it was probably still pretty baller.

#3

Litreocola 2: if rogue movies were food, this **** would be a baller steak from Gibson's or something, i dunno, with mashed potatoes and stuff. It's got 2s and 3s, I guess I could ramble on for a bit longer with painfully obvious and unfunny commentary, but I'd rather spare you the monotony and just throw up a link.

http://www.warcraftmovies.com/movieview.php?id=89357

#2

Coming in at big ole #2 on the top 4 Litreocola movies is Litreocola 3! Honestly if you've never ****** an asian girl this is probably the closest thing to it except with less tits and more daggers, lol look that was a funny ass joke teehee. here is the link.
http://www.warcraftmovies.com/movieview.php?id=91817

#1

Litreocola 4 is the single BEST Litreocola movie EVER and I suggest you download this **** RIGHT ******* NOW. i laughed, i cried, i touched myself in inappropriate places. Watching this movie was so awesome I felt like i had friends irl.

http://www.warcraftmovies.com/movieview.php?id=103187

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously Litreocola movies are like Neilyo movies but not as popular for some reason, check this **** now or kill yourself.

The Greatest PvP Video Ever Made

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 15:23:52 -0500

Once every few months, a film comes around that is more than just a movie - it's a cinematic experience.Â This movie is more in-your-face than Mark Levin, is more baller than Barack Obama and has more tits than the ***** Patrol.

Seriously, I cannot recommend it enough.Â Filmmaker Turbo has created a passionate and compelling treatise to modern Arena; his commentary on current (WoW) events is spot on and thought provoking.

The music is excellent, the PvP is fantastic, the narration is great, the flow is superb, and I'm ****ty at English so I don't know any other categories or adjectives to describe how awesome this **** is.

Do yourself a favor:Â If you're going to download one PvP movie this year, make it this one.Â Or if you're about to beat it, download this instead, you'll be hard in no time.

http://www.warcraftmovies.com/movieview.php?id=99343

MY ESCAPE FROM JASI RAPE! Also, who you should vote for!

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 18:21:59 -0500

Indeed, he had the lubrication but a foot away, and chose not to use it.Â Truly, this is the definition of cruelty. - Vlad Tepes, A Treatise on Cruelty, 1462.

Three days ago I stood face-to-face with Rationality and his buddy, Common Sense, and beat the ever loving **** out of both of 'em.Â Better to err on the side of bat**** insanity, as they say.Â Three hundred miles to Manhattan?Â Sure, why the **** not.Â Rescue the fairy-princess delusion of a maddeningly stereotypical Asian video game addict?Â Sounds like a ******* ball.

And you know what, everything was going great until Jasi caught me and raped me with a drill.

Jasi Rapes; Zac Runs - Uploaded by Mortale to Gameriot.com

Man, that's a super great movie I made. You can't tell, but my anus is raw and bleeding.Â I managed to escape by telling Jasi a new WoTLK build was up; he started *****ing about it and I jumped out a window right about the time he made his point that the game was too casually hardcore.Â Truthfully, I only really began to consider suicide not when the spinning drill bit penetrated me for the fifteenth time, but when he'd take a break to expound on the state of the World of Warcraft.

Anyway, lesson learned.Â Don't **** with the Hokage.Â

And thus concludes Zac's adventure to rescue the fair Estel!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blog contest ends tonight.Â I think.Â Whatever.

I'm not going to tell you who to vote for.Â What I will ask is that if you're going to not vote for someone, make it Gibtehstix.

Thanks.

<3

Mortale is in DANGER; The Mission to Save Estel [Shocking Video Footage]

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 22:38:12 -0500

My name is Galanah.Â I am a dear friend of the GameRiot Champion and Hokage-Slayer Mortale.Â He asked me to post this (under his name, as I am an unknown ***gy Hunter and his name is ****in' e-famous, yo).Â As many of his loyal readers know, Mortale has come to find out some things - some horrifying, terrible things - about the Hokage and his wife.

Unable to stand idly by while the e-Community did nothing, Mortale took it on himself to rescue the fair Estel.Â

Mortale sent me this video from his phone an hour ago; I got it uploaded as soon as I could.Â Beware - it's...disturbing.Â

Mortale is in PERIL! - Uploaded by Mortale to Gameriot.com

I thought Jasi was on Mortale's side now?Â Is he a TRIPLE AGENT!?

WE MUST SAVE HIM!

The Art of Success

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 08:29:37 -0500

As I lifted my face from the mud puddle, I decided right then and there that this was going to be the last time a fourteen year old kid and his friends kicked my ass.Â What really gets me is that they are such dicks with the way they try to rationalize their abuse - my acne has been really inflamed lately, so apparently, as long as "You [me] keep picking at it [my acne], we [they] are gonna pick at you [me]!"

Dicks.

So I decided to start working out, like my hero, Gibtehsix.Â I decided to get big.Â And I decided to chronicle it, so you, my loyal reader, could tag along on my journey with me.

Here is the first installment - this is me starting my upper body workout.Â I don't have a pull-up bar in my house, so my clothes rack hanger thingy will have to do.Â Also, I've got a great ass.

Â

SO STRONG - Uploaded by Mortale to Gameriot.com

Ok, so you know what - **** it, maybe this "weight lifting" and "strength training" and "stair climbing" without getting "winded" stuff just isn't for me.Â I can dig it.Â There's lots of stuff I am good at.

Like Heroics!

Check this, GameRiot:

THAT'S LIKE TWELVE ******* HEROICS IN ONE DAY GODDAMNIT!Â **** I'M GREAT AT WOW!

See, GameRiot, the trick is to find something you're great at and do it better than anyone else.Â For Gib, it's working out.Â For me, it's grinding Heroics.Â And that, friends, is the Art of Success.

HUGE MEGA CUTE THANKS TO FRST FOR THE SEXILICIOUS NEW BANNER =D

**** this, I'm defecting

no.spam@gameriot.com (Jasi.) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:34:45 -0500

He is coming.

I must rapid.

There Is A Traitor Among Us

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:11:28 -0500

4 Hours of HELL

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 14:49:48 -0500

4 hours.

That's how long it took for me to realize that I'd rather pay some starving #$*@! pennies an hour to play this game than subject myself to the hell of a sixteen ******* million experience grind.Â Jesus.Â Titty*******.Â Christ.Â

Question: What in the **** is a "Black sheep wall"?Â You know what, I don't give a ****, throw in one of those little *******.Â Â And I even get my Clase Quest done too?!Â Holy ****, this is awesome.

See kids, this is why you do your research.Â I can see the headlines now:Â "Fatass Found Dead At Computer; Suicide Note Hints At Surprisingly Good Powerleveling Deal; Man Wishes He'd Taken Advantage Of It Before He Spent Two Days Straight In Front of Computer; Man AlsoÂ Suspected Trafficker of Child Pornography; Edited Photos of One "MayMay" Quite Disturbing".

****, too much nerd speak here.Â Let me put this into terms that my average reader, a hardcore badass (comparitively, the average reader of Gibtehsix's blog is, physiologically speaking, a giant *****) can appreciate.Â Four hours, including downtime, is the equivelent of atleast a solid fifteen minutes of sex.Â So, do I regret not checking out SwaggyV sooner?Â You're damn right I do.Â I mean, yeah, technically I've got a small dick, man-tits, and a premature ejaculation problem - so it's a pretty safe bet that I wouldn't be getting laid anyway - but you know what, masturbation is just as much of a sin as premarital relations, and besides, it's the princaple of the thing.

So yeah, before any of you haterz (you can't see me, but I'm puckering up and blowing a kiss to you) try to "diss" me for paying someone to play a game for me...just remember that while you're off being a ***** in Northrend, I'm logged onto my alt account with all my gold and ****, playing the auction house and making small-talk with my farmer.

(The dude is surprisingly cool.Â He says that farmers usually take a lot of the gold off the account before they finish the leveling, but he'd "do special" for me.Â Nice.)

Is there anything more baller-status than paying a sketchy company $115 to play a video game for you?Â Friends, I submit to you that there is not.

You Wanna' Play ****in' Hardball, Ming?

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 04:53:17 -0500

Apparently, Ming found my conversation(s) with Estel offensive.Â He doesn't like it when she talks to "outsiders" - and he knew I had an awesome interview with Hafu coming up, and well, just look at what this ****** pulled:

So you know what, **** it, gloves are comin' off.Â Estel, baby, I know you're reading this -Â If you're sick of the Hokage's bull****, here's a quick list of reasons why I'm a better man for you than Ming:

6) I wonâ€™t play the Naruto soundtrack while we ****.

5) We can play â€œjust the tipâ€ and youâ€™ll have more dick in ya than Ming could ever provide.

4) With me, you'll never have to worry about Jasi Day.

3) I won't ask that you call me by the name of the last girl I loved.

2) I won't make you commit acts of bestiality, nor will I prostitute pictures of said acts to get blog hits.

1) I can actually get it up - I won't just yell "Believe it!"

Game ******* on, turbo nerd.

(Yeah, I've only got six reasons.Â Admittedly, I'd be a pretty ****ty spouse.)

Estel Speaks Out: A World of Zack Exclusive!

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:27:02 -0500

QC PvP Live Arena Streaming!

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 22:52:50 -0500

The Storm King Returns! GC 5 Preview + Sex Advice

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:13:57 -0500

Dis thug GC be messagin' me on 'da AOL talkin' 'bout he got a movie an' ****,Â If ya down like Charlie Brown here be 'da bangin' ass chat logs, shoot.

GC(4:52:40Â PM): you can release my preview

GC (4:52:42Â PM): to gc5

hi im zckÂ (4:52:45Â PM): oh

hi im zckÂ (4:52:46Â PM): ******* sick

GC(4:52:46Â PM): mass hitz

hi im zckÂ (4:52:52Â PM): thatd be bangi

hi im zckÂ (4:52:53Â PM): n

GC (4:52:56Â PM): ur bangin

hi im zckÂ (4:52:58Â PM): =D

hi im zckÂ (4:53:00Â PM): u 2 sugar

hi im zckÂ (4:53:51Â PM): yo dawg i got a question

hi im zckÂ (4:53:56Â PM): i never had a random hookup

hi im zckÂ (4:54:06Â PM): only had sex with girls that ive known and were monogamous

hi im zckÂ (4:54:16Â PM): can i eat da ***** on a random hookup?

hi im zckÂ (4:54:20Â PM): or will i get the hiv?
GC (4:55:26Â PM): http://files.filefront.com/gc5prevvavi/;12030055;/fileinfo.html

GC(4:55:27Â PM): bam

GC (4:55:29Â PM): uh

GC(4:55:36Â PM): well

hi im zckÂ (4:55:37Â PM): **** nice ty

GC(4:56:01Â PM): considering this is mortale, any random hook up you'd have would most certainly be with a vile, std ridden *****

GC (4:56:05Â PM): so i wouldn't advise eating the pussay

GC(4:56:07Â PM): ya feel me dawg

hi im zckÂ (4:56:21Â PM): ya bro i feel ya, thx for the personalized advice

GC (4:56:26Â PM): np np

hi im zckÂ (4:56:34Â PM): cuz if i was some suave motha****a like you you only hit da finest cleanest ***** rite?

GC (4:56:48Â PM): ya

GC (4:57:08Â PM): the *****es i do

GC (4:57:24Â PM): ***** smell so good, i would capture the aroma if i could and spray it all over in my mom's house

hi im zckÂ (4:58:26Â PM): the *****es i do smell like they bathe they ***** wif cans a tuna =(

GC(4:59:07Â PM): i like tuna

GC (4:59:54Â PM): maybe gc can saddle up and go a'ridin wit his homie mortale

GC(4:59:55Â PM): ya feel me

hi im zckÂ (5:00:22Â PM): ride me like a pony!!! ^_^

GC (5:00:54Â PM): i'd prefer to ride you like a stallion

GC (5:01:01Â PM): you would enjoy it i am sure, i cannot say the same for your rectum

hi im zckÂ (5:01:15Â PM): plz bro i am used to anal

hi im zckÂ (5:01:20Â PM): my sphincter loose lol

hi im zckÂ (5:01:32Â PM): i sit on da toilet and da poop jus slide out like it aint no than

GC(5:01:44Â PM): o word

The "Neilyo'd" Support Group

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:35:08 -0500

Hi, my name is ________, and I have been Neilyo'd.

We've all seen his movies - the Neilyo series is one of the most well known and respected productions in Machinima history.Â We gasp as he vanishes Death Coils; we cheer as he jukes some poor scrub off the bridge in Blade's Edge.Â Neil is responsible for more broken keyboards and smashed mice than any other gamer - yes, even Celex.

And we love the spectacle.Â Rarely, though, do we stop to consider the feelings of those poor souls whom Neil has immortalized in Warcraft Cinema - the sucker who will forever be known as "that ****ty Shaman who couldn't get a single heal off", or "that Rogue who got Neilyo'd 17 times in 19 minutes".

With that in mind, I have tracked down some of the players who have been on the receiving end of particularly devastating Neilyo's.Â This is their story.

First up is the perpetually high Affix:

Well there, there little buddy Â Drop the dope and give me a hug!

Isn't it just a little wierd that this guy can't remember a potential space/time collapse?

I hope to the good Lord that Neilyo isn't pushing for Malicious Gladiator in 2012.

This guy got Neilyo'd so bad he's still in the hospital.Â :<

Well.Â Some people are just rude.

Much <3 and thanks to Trbo for the idea

SK|Chumpjohn: "I'd **** Serennia up."

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:09:42 -0500

I love the **** out of ChumpJohn.Â He's a badass surrounded by *****es, but no one seems to know it.Â The only attention he's really gotten were little quips about his placidity in the wake of Swarm's seething rage.Â I promise you, that is not the real Champ.Â When I asked him for an interview, he was more than happy to oblige.

Zac:Â The obvious question first:Â Could you take Serennia?

The Champ: Haha.Â I'd **** him up.Â Shatter them yellow teeth.Â L'il ***** *****'.

Zac: And Swarm?

The Champ: Absolutely.

Zac: Nice.Â Second question:Â Studies show that Europeans are generally less educated than their American counterparts.Â With this handicap in mind, to what do you attribute your relatively poor showing at MLG Nuremburg (or wherever the **** it was)?

The Champ: Studies also show that Canadians have a higher IQ than Americans.Â If my partners had spent less time being *****es and more time being Canadian, we would have won.

Zac: You worship a maple leaf you *****.Â What did Canada ever do for the world?

The Champ:Â Canada is the nation other countries aspire to be.Â We promote peace and freedom worldwide.

Zac: Eat a dick.Â If you were an American, and thus relevant, who would you vote for in the upcoming election?Â Remember that John McCain has more manliness in his little toe than your entire *****-***** country.

The Champ:Â I'd vote for Barack Obama.Â

Zac: The terrorist?

The Champ: He's not a terrorist.Â I can't believe you'd be so bigoted as to judge someone because they've got a certain na-

Zac: How many virgins have you deflowered since becoming a professional gamer?

The Champ:Â Since becoming a pro?Â Two.

Zac: Confirm/Deny - Do Asians really have sideways ******s?

The Champ: Confirm.

Zac: If you could fight any WoW "personality", who would it be?

The Champ:Â Noktyn.Â It'd be like Tyson V Holyfield all over again, wooo!

Zac: You once commented that Euro*** druid Sonny is "No Chumpjohn."Â Are you the best Druid in the world?

The Champ: I think... ...I am... ...The best...

(I actually did interview him, and these were his real answers, with the wording slightly changed for readability.Â Proof:

See?Â Toldja.)

**** HALLOWEEN.

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 06:06:26 -0400

Holidays are supposed to be about making people feel good, not look like a little ***** in front of their friends.Â It's 6 in the morning and I have absolutely nothing of substance to say, but I'm writing some ***gy blog anyway because I'm too scared to go to bed.Â I'm thirsty as hell, but there is absolutely no way I'm getting in an elevator or walking down some dark stairs for a Coke.Â I like living.

I should have just gotten stupidly drunk and passed out on top of some fat chick.

The Exorcist movies are hell incarnate.Â **** you, William Friedkin.Â

The WoW Slave Trade

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:59:25 -0400

Like most bad ass Americans, I piss red, white, & blue.Â I love apple pie and I know that the great President Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery world-wide when he defeated the Southern Nazis.

Unfortunately, the Europeans of the WoW community - with their penchant for barbarism - have dug deep into the righteous grave of oppression and once again unearthed the horrific trade of human (pixel) flesh.Â The bastards are buying and selling World of Warcraft characters with a vengeance, and I feel it's my duty to get the word out.

Take, for example, my Druid friend Dokterpants here.Â If someone wanted to buy Dokterpants - say, for WoW gold or cash - they'd just head to the Armory (another invention of the fascist Europeans to facilitate in their ungodly scheme) and look the character up, to see if they were interested.Â

If they liked what they saw, and thought they could put Dokterpants to good work mining ore or some other gay RP ****, they'd just send a message to the slave's current owner and offer coin or cash for the healthy young buck.Â Over gameriot PM.Â Or Aim.Â Hiimzck.Â And they might even ask about the awesome PvE gear Dokterpants has!

Which is, of course, absolutely disgusting and we, friends, need to work to make sure this injustice is once again abolished.

PS.Â Super cheap.Â Like, REALLY ******* CHEAP.

Chumpjohn: The Real Victim

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:05:05 -0400

Can we get some community outreach on this ****?Â Call E-Social Services or something?

I've never seen domestic abuse in real life, but I'd imagine a little kid would act exactly the same way Chumpjohn did if Mommy accidentally spilled Daddy's coffee and Daddy started, you know, ******* her anally...with his words.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to you, Chumpjohn.Â Night night, keep your butthole tight.

Image by some dude with Walrus in his name or something.

Oddly Homosexual

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:28:17 -0400

I had a wierd dream the other night...

I was walking home from school and I saw two male unicorns ******* under rainbow.Â One was this disgusting pale yellowish color, like semen mixed with mustard.Â Instinctively, I knew this one's name was Prierog.Â The other was the ruddy brownish color of an Asian chick's butthole, and something inside told me this one was called Huntdrui.Â

So Huntdrui had Prierog pinned down and was penetrating him with his horn.Â Prierog started to whimper, begging Huntdrui to just stop, stop, please baby it hurts, but Huntdrui just kept pounding away.

Wierd.

So anyways, these past few weeks I've been trying to learn how to play a Druid.Â Spamming Lifebloom is fun, but sometimes I forget and then the fricken' Rogue dies, which I maintain is bull****.Â Maybe if Isolee didn't suck he'd have killed something before I got bored.Â I keep telling him to wear two DPS trinkets, but he doesn't listen to me and keeps trinketing Kidney Shots which is obviously going to lead into a Blind, then I die because I don't get any peels.Â I'm still new at the class, so I can't blame our losses on him entirely, but...

It's retarded, he's got this mixed up notion that he's "carrying" me.Â Suck it hippy, you spend your days "mixing" "beats" and "launching" Affix's "****-rocket", whatever that gibberish means.Â Point is, your back would break under my 155 pound bulk.

We tried some 3v3 because, and I quote, "If one person carrying you is a 2k quality team, TWO people carrying you is a 2200 team!"

Not quite.Â I think I tanked their team like a hundred points, and I was genuinely sorry about it.Â But not for long.Â The next day, Affix told me "You know, you're pretty awful at 3v3."

I've been hurt before.Â My pride was shattered by a jackhammer of giggling *****es when a girlfriend once introduced me to her friends as "You know, the one with the small penis."Â But openly insulting my Arena abilities in front of like, four other people on vent?Â That's just gayer than the unicorn dream, man.

May the fury of a thousand Shinobes descend upon your dwellings, Affix-sama and Isolee-kun.

Mortale's Poem

no.spam@gameriot.com (Galanah) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:32:15 -0400

Zack wanted me to post this:

Remember, remember the Eighth of September,
The Gameriot Treason and Plot,
Â I know of no reason
Why Gameriot Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Mortale, Mortale, twas his intent
To roll up the dweebs of Gameriot
300 comments of flame bait below
To influence old Kyle's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark green censor and burning twitch.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save GR's King!

Rogue hero Mortale caught counting cards, chaos insues

no.spam@gameriot.com (Galanah) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 21:40:24 -0400

Unfortunately I do not have much time to write this so I will make it brief and to the point. When Zack informed me that he was done playing wow and moving on to a more profitable game I simply laughed at him. I never expected him to give up his daily exercises of finger bow-flexing and going after e-chicks in hopes of becoming a gold digger to live an easier life. Unfortunately his tobacco farm at home in Virginia is being hit hard due to crisis' occurring in Georgia and his family is currently living on food stamps.

Zack never considered himself a player of luck, or irl rng. Hes and advantage player. Naturally counting cards seemed to be a great get rich quick scheme for a person of his intelligence. Although he is known for his political knowledge, common sense was never part of Zack's arsenal. After going to Miami to comfort his homosexual brother who apparently just came out of the closet, Zack made his move and headed out to a local casino. Here is where the common sense lacking comes in: . It took about 10 minutes for the casino security to pick him up and take him to the alley where he tells me he was roughed up worse than he ever has been by his school bully. Currently I am heading to pick him up from a motel where he has been staying with his brother.

-I'm sure all of our prayers go out to the hero of the rogue community.

Dun Morogh Drive By (BATTLE RAP OH LAWD)

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:09:48 -0400

Yo fellas,

Lemme break it down fo' y'all fellas real quick. Y'see in our hood, (I be reppin' Tichondrious, BG9 Quality CONTROL, WHAT) er'ry now an' again some new sucka be rollin' up, stickin' his fat ass on our Benzez tryna' front like he got skillz. An occasionally them cats is legit, but sometime they be frontin' in da rap game, period.

You can't just roll up in a homey's crib an' talk dat spit an' expect not to have a cat fin'nin ta bust a cap in yo' cracka ass.

So dat cat Mah an' Shaunkonnery be clearin' dey beef on da Microphone, ya feels me? An I bring it to you now fo' yo listenin' pleasure.

So, wit' out furtha ado, from da cat dat brought you Ain't No Thang But a Chicken Ming,

http://www.myspace.com/shaunconnery

I present to you

http://files.filefront.com/BATTLE+RAPmp3/;11394419;/fileinfo.html

Ya heeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaard me?

PS - I apologize in advance for giggling like a little *****, but hey, you would be too

GameRiot Admin Caves Under Blackmail, Threat of Political Discussion

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:59:23 -0400

Friends,

The day started off innocently enough for this reporter. Wake up, jerk it, piss, shower, jerk it, breakfast, jerk it. The usual. Jerk it. A totally innocuous morning...until I took my seat at my Command Center and began the days adventures.

Logging onto my Druid's account was painful. The damn thing has like, 256 healing. How am I supposed to ruin the competition when even three lifeblooms won't guarentee my Warlock's survival? Not very easily, that's how.

So I did what any baller would do, and queud up Alterac Valley, put in a movie (The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks is my hero) and started a'tappin my spacebar. But let's be honest now. You can't just watch the notebook and devote half your attention to tapping spacebars, so when Noah finds out that Allie's mother has been hiding all the letters he'd sent her, do you really think I was focusing on my Space Bar? Hell no, I was focusing on my tissue box. Clearly, afk'ing AV is not an option for me.

So I did what any high school kid with no work ethic would do, and offered up my daddy's money to the GameRiot community, in hopes that one of them would do my dirty work for me.

That's when stepped in (Name crossed out to protect his identity).

Fine. I can dig it. This is a website with integrity. So I prettied it up and embedded my message oh-so-subtly into my blog post about Blizzard cracking down on honor farmers. Obviously, it was a roaring success. But I had to wonder...why wasn't this post taken down like the last? I was clever, yes, but not clever enough to trick Slapnuts:

So, I figured - being a sly fox isn't working, maybe I'll have to try something with a little more balls!

[SUPER BIG QUOTATION MARK THINGS]

[/SUPER BIG QUOTATION MARK THINGS]

Aha! Ahahaha! And it worked! My blog post remained up, proving two truths undeniably:

1: The GameRiot Admin staff will buckle under terror threats, and

2: GameRiot political discussions are so bad that the Admins treat them as terrorism.

Blizzard Cracking Down on Chinese Honor-Farmers

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:38:35 -0400

It used to be you could throw around a couple million yen and some poor little Chinese boy would take a deep breath of filthy air before sitting down for that long ass honor grind that us Americans are far too busy to undertake. Used to be your 70 Alliance Druid on Tich could go from 0 PvP gear to Full Guardians in just under two weeks...until the bans started coming.

"I paid like 180 bucks for a powerlevel from 1-70, and Blizzard just up and banned my account for exploiting the game economy! WTF" - Glcmao, Hunter, Timber Worg server.

Apparently, Blizzard has been investing that 15 billion or whatever dollars/month, not into mind-shattering gameplay improvements and hardware upgrades, but fancy Internet Spy Gear that allows them to identify something called an IP.

An IP is like...an Internet address, I guess, and apparently the Commie ***** in China have special socialized IP addresses that are different from the ones in the Land of the Free.

So the Chinese Farmers have stopped gathering honor for poor souls like myself, who just want to have their Druid get full Honor gear ASAP.

This is just the latest in a series of actions undertaken by the Sovereign Majesty Blizzard Entertainment that have lead to utter distress amonst the commonfolk.

If only some kind soul with an American IP would fill the shoes of those quitters...he could like, notify his customers of his services VIA a PM on a gaming website or something...

Whatever guy did that could make BANK.

PS - Slapnuts, take this one down and I swear I'll start writing political blogs.

WoZ Girl of the Week

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 05:46:29 -0400

Hey guys! Welcome to the first edition of World of Zack: Girl of the Week! In these special bi-annual blogs, I'll be getting head to head with some of the hottest female players Azeroth has to offer - so let's get started!

Introducing: Iiue (name changed to protect her identity!) - girl IRL, and recent transfer to a certain server on a certain battlegroup in a certain guild.

Heh, well, looks like someone found her daddy's pants and decided to try on some straight-legged pride. That's the problem with women these days - most of them are transvestites and abominations.

Cheaters Exposed; Sanctity of Arenas Preserved

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 01:13:40 -0400

I'd just like to take this time to thank the wonderful folks at Blizzard's Account Administration and Extraordinary Rendition department for once again preserving the rule of law and maintaining the high standards of Arena play that we have come to expect in the World of Warcraft.

Apparently, banishment from the game servers or the removal of ill-gotten armaments and weaponry has been a standard practice since the end of Season One. Good show, chaps! I'm just glad they were able to identify the truly heinous win-traders from the honest entrepreneurs - so to the fifty odd people rockin' dem S3 shoulders, we didn't win-trade for them, we artificially enhanced your personal rating by way of amorphously integrating combat amplifications and modifcations therein resulting in increased Arena productivity and TV reception. The "Zac's Alts Need Epic Mounts" fund thanks you for your generous contributions.

So, Gumbot, and your metrosexual gang of fashion accessories - how does the uppance taste? Bitter? Hard to get down? Legitimate Gladiator Athema and I laugh at you.

Seriously though, I hope you guys have learned your lesson. I'll continue to play Arena in a manner that bespeaks my integrity. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a booboo on my hand and I need a drink.

Some Hokage He Turned Out To Be

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 09:01:47 -0400

We who call ourselves the Elders have not forgotten the promises of old: I will protect you, he told us. Always. I will defend your honor.

We used to slumber peacefully, content with the knowledge that he was watching over us. Demons dared not tread in the realm of our dreams, lest they be gutted like pigs for slaughter by the tip of his dagger.

We loved him.

And he betrayed us.

Courage. Honor. Self-sacrifice and righteousness. What were once concepts that defined his very life have seemingly deteriorated into mere words...crumbling, like aged paper...

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE STARS FELL FROM THE HEAVENS, MING? HAD YOU FORGOTTEN US?

WHILE YOU WERE OFF MAKING MERRY WITH YOUR PRECIOUS BRIDE, THE PEOPLE YOU'D SWORN TO PROTECT SUFFERED GRIEVOUSLY AT THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY! Oh, how we used to call sinisterly from the shadows...how we used to avoid death effortlessly...

WE HAVE BEEN SHAMED! Our men - humiliated, our women - disgraced...

We look on your pictures with scorn, Ming. None shall forget that whilst you were twixt the sheets of a tiger-riding succubus, deadly blows were dealt to the community you swore to protect.

We do not forget, Hokage. We do not forgive.

Grats on fat.

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:41:44 -0400

http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2008/06/20/Australia_now_fattest_country_study_says/UPI-23231213998709/

Ha! Suck it! Swallow it all, Australia! Leave room for desert, though.

USA Defeats Europia; Few Surprised

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 05:26:16 -0400

    Over two centuries ago, on a hot June morn, Benjamin Franklin invented the concepts of Freedom, Justice, and Liberty. The bespectacled man, having only recently departed a land of tyranny, oppression, and regulatory "tea times", sought to bring a light unto the world: a bastion of majestic tranquility, a nation whose lifestyle would be cherished by citizens and coveted by Mexicans. On June 6th, 1776 (D-Day, or Declaration Day) Franklin's dream was realized, and the United States was born.

    From that day on, the United States has served as the cultural, economic, and intellectual capital of the world. As the foremost pioneers of science on the globe, and the unrivaled masters of literature and other fine arts, the people of the United States evolved just as Lord Darwin said they would: We became faster, smarter, stronger. While the sluggish Europians across the mighty Arctic stuck to inbreeding, perpetuating the cycle of babes being born with sub-standard intellect, the US Citizens were cultivating their smart-ness and emerging as a dominant Alpha-Species.

    Is it any surprise, then, that the United States has dominated every world wide contest (wars included) since it's inception? Forgive me, but in WWII we beat the Communist Nazi Party of Germania, and in WWI we defeated Turkmenistan in the battle of Poultry Hill. In Vietnam we got mad Okra, and hell, in Desert Storm we got mad oils. When the Chinese Immigrants invaded in the 19th and 20th centuries, we turned their tactics around and made them service our laundromats and railroads. The USA, simply put, does not lose. Why should MLG be any different?

    When Nihilum brought that ***** drain comp to the shores of liberty and freedom, they declared war on the princaples we all hold dear. Azael, Spoh and Zyz have defended our freedoms with great honor. They fought long and hard, veins throbbing, skin sweating, the games going back and forth, back and forth, mana bars and health bars shooting up and down, up and down until finally the champions erupted into a seamlessly executed explosion of energy right into the eyes of those smarmy Europian bastards. Does it sting, *****es? Does it hurt?

    But let's be honest. No one is really surprised by this outcome, are they? Europeans are all French on the inside anyway, lol.

Post About Politics

no.spam@gameriot.com (Mortale) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:12:37 -0400

I'll start off with some anecdotal rhetoric that transcends the phrase "out-of-context" to the point that it may well be considered slander, followed by an oh-so-subtle reminder that this blog post is for the good of the people and not random hits. Heres a self-validating statement about the quality of my writing, whose success, I'll remind you, is garnered from it's literary value alone and not the inflammatory nature of it's content.

Quasi fact-based assertion that completely misses the bigger picture and the smaller one; it's a mystery how I manage to breathe but let's be honest now, as long as I can take random superficial facts and link them together I am an investigatory journalist.

I'd like to take this time to give you a link to an incredibly powerful, informative, non-biased and thought-provoking YouTube video, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder by the White Ma - I mean, goverment:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-k98bRUOb4g

Did you see that? Well, did you? Refute it, I dare you.

-Sic Sempart Teyeraniz
Bringing the truth to your doorstep.