Girls are bad at video games.

Girls & video games
Most of us guys take this truth to be self-evident. Let's delve in this universe where Tide flows like wine and free time is spent washing dishes. I should say that this article was inspired by Ming's post about Hafu and the recent CGS Draft in TX. This past week was in a sense sad for the eSports community.. and on another hand it was simply hillarious. This article is misogynistic, sexist, satirical, rude, blunt, offensive, not politically correct, and probably illegal. Enjoy.

No training bras
Sorry girls, there are no "training bras" when playing video games. I never had to wear anything in preparation for my rock-hard pecs. I had to work my ass of in my early teens to get me used to my perfect physique. In a sense, I feel the need to recollect Zoolander's quote about the "misshapen ball of clay". I am that ball of clay. Molded.. and shaped... and.... But I digress; training bras clearly make women a weaker species in the eyes of gamers. Take this stock photo I found, for example:

Braces, shell necklaces, and training bras have no place in video games. Clearly "Dance or Die!" alludes to "Dance around the kitchen washing dishes or get maimed by your husband and die, *****!". Yet again, we notice the clear anti-girl-gamer attitude we find in the mass media (and, as we'll find out in just a minute, rightfully so). Contrary to popular, or should I say, 'feminist' belief, "Dance or Die!" is NOT a variation of the atrocious DDR or a track on the equally-atrocious Guitar Hero.

The CGS
The CGS is the first franchise that completely took advantage of all assets given by the female species for the pleasure of men (including tna). Take Belle for example: Belle sleeps with moto (Dave Geffon; a GM). Dave is able to keep Belle in the CGS, although she had the embarassing record of 0-12 last CGS season. What game does she play you ask? Dead or Alive. Yep, you heard it here first: Dead or Alive blows dick. Who cares about fighting games? No one. Maybe if they brought a game that actually took skill (MK comes to mind), people would actually tune in to DirectTV. Last season for Belle? Summarized briefly in one googled picture:


Sorry Belle, you just got your head ******* blown off. Better get back to the kitchen. I mean even Nick DePalmer (peekay) had a better record than Belle (although he plays an equally-horrid game: FIFA). And peekay was ditched, while Belle was kept quietly in the CGS with a mouthful of sweet sweet Geffon plums.

1337 Lauren
1337 Lauren is another funny phenomenon. She's got the loudest mouth on IRC, on forums, in the game. She even has a pathetic IRC fanclub. Essentially, she's the Ann Coulter of the eSports community; she was also picked for some sort of CGS farm team or whatever this draft (I don't really follow CGS, I just crack on it). Anyway, she's on my friends list on mySpace, and as much as I hate ragging on one of my 5,000 friends, I have to say that she's terrible at CS. She was CAL-p for a while (err.. she was ON a CAL-p ROSTER for a while), also there's some funny little pictures circulating. There's also other strange phenomenons, take Pagne (Nibbler's ex-gf), for example. Most of you that heard my 1st rap (and shifty's reply) know that a) she's bad b) she's ugly c) according to shifty, crusty. Not getting into any details there....


No one cares. First of all, it was in CANADA (upcoming article; Canada: Land of the French, home of the Cheaters), and second of all.. IT WAS IN CANADA. No one probably wanted to dig through 37 feet of snow to get out of the igloos and go to some 56k modem LAN center.. which was also in an igloo to win some gay award NO ONE CARES ABOUT (because it was in Canada). Now, what I'm wondering is who's nuts were in that big mouth of hers when she got CGS drafted.

Hold up, it gets better
1337 Lauren plays three WoW characters (70s); can you guess what classes?

Yep, a druid. Most OP class in 2v2, 3v3, and in PvE just press 2 buttons, and a 3rd if **** goes bad. Most TOP DRUIDS agree that playing a druid is FUN because it's SO good to just kite around for 99% of an arena game. PvE is a joke, but like I said, druids are ezmode x 2.

Yep, a warlock. Might as wel have called herself "Leetrollfaceonkeyboard". Locks have been the laughingstock of the WoW community since the WoW beta. I'm too lazy to actually check out her spec but I imagine she's SL/SL? I could play a warlock with my asscheeks.

So now I can already tell the fanboys are getting excited: "BUT DAVVV.....! OMG PREISTS AR HARD TO PLAY". I agree. The priest is a difficult class to master.. unless of course... YOU'RE SHADOW. Overall, 0/3. Next.

Halaa
So, anyway, yesterday I was being amazing as usual when I hear a distress call over in Halaa, so I go check it out. I round up some alliance, get them all on vent to strategize our Halaa take-over, and away we go. Clearly, with me in the lead, it was a breeze. After much deliberation and amidst our ass-kicking, we could only contrive one theory: we were actually playing against GIRLS. HAH. That's why it was so easy to completely obliterate the Horde's forces. Anyway, I took a screenshot to remind us of how horrible girls are at video games:


WoW
With Ming's new article, a lot of attention has been drawn towards Hafu, girl-gamer extraordinaire. Top druid in the world with mirror-pics of awesomeness:


What the ****. Honestly. Stop playing WoW and get a makeup kit. You're NOT good. Playing a druid in 2s with the easiest possible makeup (druid/warrior) DOES NOT make you the best. At least try something exotic (Nihilum's Druid/Hunter comp comes to mind), but honestly this is just sad. If we want to consider any druid being the "top player" in the world, we might as well give HER a prize, too:


Now, I shouldn't be such a jerk. My old girlfriend (err.. CAL|Benson lol?) actually played for Deus Vox. But can you guess what class she played? If you guessed anything easy, you're right. She was a shadow priest. Cruise control for fail.

Girls that ARE good
Now, some girls are actually decent (or maybe even good) at video games. SK Ladies come to mind, so do some girl teams that play in that abortion of a league.. what is it called.. oh man... oh yeah, the MLG. So I'll explain this phenomenon with a story. Now, most of the CS community knows who I am. I'm a loud-mouthed *******, and for those of you that were there, know that I almost got kicked out of NMA Arena in 2006 for cursing, Cyberzone for just being a prick, NMA AGAIN for cursing. Anyway, the point is that I curse more than a well-raised baptist boy should. When I was at BUY.com LAN last year (March 2007) I had the pleasure of meeting the SK Ladies (lol).. actually pbmatrix (Brandon McLeod for those who know him) wanted to talk to them since we were bored and our team was getting stoned.

Bottom line: they curse more than I do.. they have the biggest sailor-mouths I've EVER heard on LAN. And trust me, I've been to a ton of LANs. Point in case: girls that are good at video games are NOT actually girls. According to my studies, they might not even have ******s. I'm not 100% sure, however.


FAKE. She is NOT good at videogames. You can clearly notice she's holding the controller completely wrong. Anyway, who plays guitar hero in sexy lingerie? Thanks a lot Guitar Hero Marketing Department. This is the kind of pro-girl-gamer propaganda we DON'T need.


These are the SK Ladies. Notice the lack of lingerie, the grainy quality of the image; lack of breasts, makeup, flowing blonde hair, and g-string reveals the true nature of the SK Ladies: they are actually guys. Case in point:


This heshe is clearly good at video games. And most likely BETTER at video games than most pure-bred guy-gamers. I hope I cleared up any misconceptions regarding girl gamers vs guy gamers when looking at the apparent success of the SK 'Ladies'.

What next?
I suggest and I'm pushing a proposition for the ESRB to pass a new Media Logo that can (and should) be used to differentiate between games that girls will never be good at (Counter-Strike, WoW, CoD, DoD, Quake, DOTA, etc, etc), and games that girls can be good at (because you can't suck at them): The Sims, The Sims 2, The Sims: Nightlife, The Sims Online, The Sims: Full House, The Complete Collection of the Sims, and anything else that involves Sims and not being able to suck.


Disclaimer
I'm single.