The Asian Equation

East Meets West in World of Warcraft

The topic of goldfarmers has been a heated one over the lifespan of WoW. It's hard to look at the issue from the perspective of a journalist, which hinges on the complete absence of bias, considering I play the game (though not very well, admittedly). Despite Blizzard having declared all-out war against the menace, even taking the battle to them (the destruction of E-Bay as a tool for these creatures), these nefarious imps manage to evade every net that Big Blue throws their way, perhaps due to the semitranslucent layer of greed that coats their skin.

The story I'd like to relate to you, corresponding with the visual aid to the right, happened to a guildmate recently. After one of our daring forays into the citadel of Naxxrammas, my buddy here went back to town and was assaulted by a goldfarmer, who insisted that he take 5,000 gold pieces for no reason. Despite being flustered, he initially agreed to the transaction, but capitulated later on and mailed it back. Apparently the gold was a delivery for someone on a different server with the same name. I wonder, do these little corporate foibles happen often? Do people keep the money? Would you? I assume that the gold distributor in question, upon realizing his mistake, would have just reported my friend there for buying gold, had he not returned it. He would have no way of disproving the allegation, as the logs would clearly state that he accepted 5,000 gold from a female Orc named Ggvc of the guild <ohyesyes>.

It's frightening to think that these sinister transactions are happening all around us, and one false move would leave us vulnerable to the undiscerning ire of Blizzard: terrible is their wrath, and blind are they in their fury, annihilating everything in their path when the mushu pork scent of a goldfarmer is detected.

The goldfarmer problem has been around as long as MMOs have, though I don't think it has ever before reached the staggering profit margins allowed by World of Warcraft. A more pressing concern is the fact that the goldfarmers are lumped into one huge pile with people who sell their accounts only to steal them back in an act of deft scammery afforded by websites such as Markeedragon and others. Most of them are probably regular players who have been using these methods to make a quick buck for a long time. To the rest of us, the entire category is labeled with the deragatory "Asians"; some unseen culprit working against the honest American to deprive them of their gaming pastime. Sure, a lot of the keyloggers and no doubt some of the account scammers are probably employed by these gold-selling companies, but the simple fact is that a negative stereotype has been created as a direct result of Blizzard games altogether.

One of the most common stereotypes, besides the goldfarmer? The notorious Korean, omnipresent on Battlenet, always thirsting for roundeye blood. Their favorite haunt is the battlefield on distant worlds in the form of Starcraft; always playing as the Zerg, always rushing, always typing ridiculous things like "kekekeke". Their broken English and affection for early-game massing has earned them a reputation, and it is compounded by jealousy on our part. Starcraft, among other games, is taken very seriously as a hobby in that culture. A lot of them are phenomenal players. The truth stings.

Don't be fooled by the canny generalizations of the white oppressor. Let's take a moment, together, and reflect on some of the rewards that Asia has seen fit to bestow upon our ignorant culture. It's their determination and work ethic that defines them in a positive light. Why are their academic scores so infuriatingly high? Why is their micro so infallible, their sharingan so flawless? Who do you think built the railroads that brought this country into the industrial revolution?

 

Jackie Chan

Everyone loves Jackie Chan. He is considered the greatest martial artist in the history of the world. It's not simply because he's Asian. He's worked his whole life, non-stop, training on mountains in Tibet and learning the ancient secrets of kung fu. He is now one of the richest men in the world, and his personal friends include such superstars as Chris Tucker and Bret Ratner. Don't tell me you didn't like Rush Hour 2, or I'll know that you're lying.

 

Panda Express

One of the best examples of fine Asian cuisine we have access to. One of my weekly rituals is a trip to the mall where I peruse the classical literature section in Borders, maybe pick up a new pair of extra-stretch sweatpants from JC Penny, and stop to grab some PE on the way out. It's authentic, it's delicious, it's affordable. My top pick: Sweet and sour chicken.

 

Lloyd from "Entourage"

Not only is he a snappy dresser, but he provides a taste of wit and charm that is unbeatable in terms of prime-time television. He's Mongolian and he loves ****, having been lovingly dubbed as Ari Gold's "Gaysian" assistant. If thinking this guy is cute with a capital Q makes me gay, then drop your pants and show me where to suck.

 

 

Asian Women

Yeah, I'm not going to deny it. There's no way around it, frankly. Nothing excites the pale, socially inept white boy like the thought of an Oriental goddess floating into his room on a cloud of opium smoke and making him a real man. They're cute, they're smart, they're exotic. There's really nothing we, as a culture, don't like about them. Not only are they some of the most exquisite-looking females in the entire world, they have the whole Geisha thing going for them, which is basically a high-class hooker that won't give you chlamydia. Plus, I hear they really dig fat gamers. The only drawback is the whole foot-binding thing. I'm really into feet, if you know what I mean.

 

 

Unfortunately, as much as I wish to discount any negatives on the topic, there are certain truths that cannot be escaped. Stereotypes in general are a bad idea, but in order to break them down so that we no longer have these ignorant divisions in our American melting pot, we have to understand the cause. I already touched on goldfarmers, which are more sympathetic creatures; their poor grammar and lust for pixelated wealth likens them to Kobolds, sans the candle. Plus, you just know that every farmer is working a pretty awful job with terrible pay, and he probably hates doing it as much as you hate the things you do for money (i.e. chores for mom). Then I hit on the Starcraft player, which can be a hard one to cope with. If you've ever seen Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, I'm pretty sure a Zerg rush was what got him all pissed off in the first place. What about the nuclear build-up in North Korea, or Communism and censorship in China? What else is there that reinforces this bigotry?

 

In my quest for unbiased reporting, I've found that several culprits are at the top of the list. First off we have "balut", which is a cuisine indigenous to southeast Asia, and particularly popular in the Philippines. It's actually very tasty, but in terms of aesthetics it's possibly the most disgusting, off-putting food in the world. It's basically a chicken egg with a half-formed fetus inside of it. You put salt on it. Apparently, salt helps.

 

The Asian Long-horned Beetle

One of the most terrifying new causes for unrepentant hate is the Asian Long-horned Beetle, which is basically a new strain of Zerg that was smuggled into the United States in order to destroy our trees. Asian long-horned beetles measure about one-and-a-half inches long and have a shiny black exterior with white spots. "More than 30,000 trees have been destroyed in the country since the Asian long-horned beetle was first discovered in the U.S. about a decade ago," says some newspaper *****. The USDA has resorted to quarantining areas in order to contain the beetle, sort of like the US containment policy concerning communism. The beautiful Hackberry tree is in jeopardy due to this tiny terror's voracious appetite.

 

Vietnamese Rap

I'll conclude my list with what I consider to be darkest blemish of all, most likely designed by the white man's record industry to further instigate undeserved stereotyping. "You Got Beef," the debut hit by Canadian-Vietnamese rapper Chuckie Akenz and his "V-Unit". Beyond that, I'll leave the decisions with you, trusted reader. This is Marnacleez, signing out.