The trials and tribulations of a gamer

My
downfall started back at college. I had a pretty active social life,
a nice girlfriend, and some cool friends. Gaming was something new I
was getting into. I didn't have a particularly amazing computer and
truth be told I preferred to play at LAN anyway.

I
had pretty big gaps between lessons on some days and the LAN centre
was only a ten minute walk or so. It was convenient. But convenience
grew into obsession. The LAN centre was expensive and was only
something I could afford to do for some of the time, but I wanted
more.

I
started to play more and more when I got home despite my laptop not
being up to scratch. No matter what the time I had to be up for the
next day, you would often see me trawling public servers well into
the morning. Some days I barely had two hours sleep, or even worse
not at all. I could and would go for days without sleep. It was
unhealthy and destructive.

My
obsession was taking over my life. I was escaping away from real life
issues and college work to play on something which had no real end
product. It got to a point were I was playing sixty or seventy hours
a week...even during exam weeks. I knew what I was doing, I knew I
should be balancing all aspects of my life but I wasn't and it was
destructive. My exam results were dire in comparison to what I was
capable of.

I
got control and despite my troubles managed to go to university. I
thought the added responsibility of looking after myself would help
“cure” the problem. It didn't. The freedom and lack of routine
only feed the addiction and my problem rose again.

After
a summer back at home. I feel myself becoming lethargic and unwilling
to compromise with my desires and addictions. I've shifted one
addiction to another. I'm not playing as much as I used to, but I
feel myself being compelled to be near a computer.

This
week I had to go back to university to resit some exams which I had
failed. The new schedule was excruciating. From Tuesday to Thursday
night I had traveled close to 800 miles and slept less than 5 hours
in total. But I felt I was at least accomplishing something. On
Wednesday night, when I arrived in Manchester and got in my hotel
room. What was the first thing I did after unpacking my bag? I
switched on my laptop and tried to see if there was an Internet
connection. In retrospect I'm glad there wasn't one.

There
were computers in the lobby, but I had the will power to deny my
urges to be “connected”. What is it about the Internet and gaming
which has me so frustratingly clinging to something has given me
nothing in comparison to the effort and time I've dedicated to it?
It's more than just a time waster or just a means of entertainment.

If
it turns out in a week or so time that I've failed my maths re-sits.
Then I face the possibility of a misspent year with close to 5000 in
debt. I've already prepared myself for the possibility of having to
persuade a university head of department to let me pass onto next
year. But maybe I should be punished. Maybe I should suffer and face
the wrath of the “real world”. Would I suddenly be rid of
crippling addictions which have blighted me so far? I'm not so sure.

Despite
gamers being some of the most intelligent and competent people in
society, they are also some of the most vulnerable. We need routine
and guidance. We need nurturing to achieve what we're truly capable
of. I fear not just for myself, but for all of the young gamers out
there who are so hopelessly clinging to the prospect of fame or
satisfaction from gaming and the Internet.

It's
a Saturday night and I'm indoors on the computer. I've done nothing
today. How about you?

Report Post